As you grow older, more and more things become perceptible to you. One of them is noticing how similar you actually are with your parents. I guess it’s because you have had more years to see and realize the similarities and because you are aging closer and closer to your parents when they raise you.
For many years, I have been aware of how similar my mother’s and my personality are. We are both very talkative, we can be bossy, we can be arrogant, we like attention, we like to be praised and acknowledged (though I have a fair bit more restraint and humility in that regard, I think ;-). These are the big broad strokes of our personalities.
But what I start to realize over the years is the smaller strokes, the details, the small mundane thoughts and views that really fill up the picture and make our painting of a personality complete.
For instance, my mother would always yell at us for eating before meals. Proper meals are very important. It means we are eating good healthy food. It means we are appreciating the food, in which she put so much hard work and thought. It means we are enjoying it together, as a group, as a family.
If you ate before a meal, then you don’t have that appetite anymore, and hence you are really no longer interested in sitting down and, well, eating. And this presents a catastrophe.
I have always been aware of my stern stand on “no food before meal”, whether it’s going out to appreciate a nice meal or a meal I have prepared. It’s always important to have that appetite. This I knew.
I never fully realized how much I inherited this belief until this morning. And what makes this realization complete was when I have gradually learned to give up this perfectionist idea, at least once in a while.
This morning, my sister/mom/aunt are supposed to meet my cousin Billy and his wife Eva for lunch, then we are supposed to go over to his place to play with his three-months-old toddler. My sister called me at 11:17 and told me she’s having breakfast. My mother’s teachings and my own annoyances flashed for a brief moment. I, unlike many times before, did not complain. I did not bitch and ask her why she had chosen to eat just an hour before we are supposed to eat.
So what changed?
I realize that even if she had eaten breakfast, and by her eating less at lunch. That’s unlikely to make everyone a lot less happier. You can think of this as economics as you wish. The happiness lost is really quite marginal and insignificant. But, on the other hand, having that perfectionist personality and its effect on others around me can be quite tiring and hard to live with.
And I learn that from being with my seven-months-sweetheart Sofie.
I have learned through spending time with her, doing things with her, and to really be with another person. That sometimes certain things we used to hold so dear and significant can actually be quite trivial. And at other times, holding on to them can actually be a detriment to the relationship.
So what if she ate some snacks before a meal, it’s just a simple dinner. What matters is us being happy, while being completely comfortable with each other. Not the perfect HK$300 dinner.
Perhaps this is the so-called “Love’s Knowledge” that Professor Martha Nussbaum aimed to expound in her book. There’s so much emotional content and understanding in love that can teach us to be more compassionate and to make better choices. Like the compassion to understand your sister’s hunger on a Sunday morning and the choice to not bitch at her for simply satiating her hunger.
Thank you Sofie for standing by me and giving me the chance to continually learn how to love you and treat you better, and allowing me to learn how to love and treat others around me better as well.
I love you.
